Episode 15 - Being too much (is a reflection of others, not you)
Welcome back Rebels!
In this episode of Three Rebel Souls, we unpack our experiences of being told or made to feel like we are "too much."
From childhood conditioning around emotional suppression and social niceties to dealing with how hyper-independence and confidence can threaten others, we explore the high cost of shrinking ourselves to fit in.
Join us as we revisit navigating perfectionism, learning the difference between modifying behavior versus abandoning who you are, reframing the idea of being "intimidating," and finding the courage to take up our full, authentic space.
Mentioned in this episode:
Stacey wrap
Intro with music
Provided by Jonathon Wilde
Transcript
Audio Only - All Participants: Hello.
Speaker:I love how she does- Nice to go … the face like, "Here I am."
Speaker:I can't…
Speaker:If I put it directly in front of my face, I can't see if it's in the frame.
Speaker:Oh.
Speaker:So, so I have to like, "Is it there?"
Speaker:That's so funny.
Speaker:Hello.
Speaker:Hello.
Speaker:Hi.
Speaker:Every time you do that, it reminds me of, um, Mrs.
Speaker:Doubtfire.
Speaker:"Hello."
Speaker:When you do it.
Speaker:I love that movie.
Speaker:Great one.
Speaker:Great laugh.
Speaker:Oh, fly by fruity.
Speaker:Great laugh.
Speaker:Robin Williams.
Speaker:He was the best.
Speaker:The best.
Speaker:I always said he would've been on my list if he wasn't so hairy.
Speaker:That's funny.
Speaker:Because funny is sexy.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Agreed.
Speaker:Absolutely.
Speaker:Totally.
Speaker:Agreed.
Speaker:If not, you're boring.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I need to laugh.
Speaker:Sorry.
Speaker:Not sorry.
Speaker:I think, I think a lot of people would agree with that, though.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:Like, who doesn't like to laugh?
Speaker:Too many people That's true So how are we doing today?
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:We actually didn't say this before we recorded I know.
Speaker:I am good.
Speaker:That's why I've been- I am fantastic actually … deer in the headlights.
Speaker:I'm like, I've had a really good week, uh, in-
Speaker:Specifically in the area of, like, reprioritizing myself
Speaker:and my overall wellbeing.
Speaker:Um, so, like, this week I went to my first Pilates class.
Speaker:We did our sound healing workshop on Friday night.
Speaker:I did, like, an hour-long foot reflexology massage yesterday.
Speaker:Nice.
Speaker:I've been doing, like, daily gratitude, and I did a lot more this week with, like,
Speaker:getting back to, like, pulling cards for myself, and journaling, and just trying
Speaker:to, like, commit more intentional time to, like, my own wellbeing practices,
Speaker:and it felt really fucking good.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:Like, the week has felt so good.
Speaker:That's nice.
Speaker:I was…
Speaker:I didn't feel that way this week.
Speaker:I was still exhausted.
Speaker:I'm still tired.
Speaker:Like, just no energy- I was t- … to do anything.
Speaker:I was still tired.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:But I, I think that maybe that's why I'm, like, extra proud of myself,
Speaker:'cause, like, we still went for a bike ride yesterday morning even though
Speaker:it took us an hour to do a ride that normally takes us, like, 30 minutes.
Speaker:Like, we were moving slow 'cause, uh, we were both so tired.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And I was like, "You know what?
Speaker:We're out here.
Speaker:Like, just keep pedaling."
Speaker:That's nice, though.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker:You have to slow down occasionally.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Is it?
Speaker:Interesting.
Speaker:No, I'm just…
Speaker:I know.
Speaker:Uh, me on a bike and slow do not go together.
Speaker:Heck yeah.
Speaker:Like, I'm like, it- it…
Speaker:I'm in a race no matter what we're doing.
Speaker:Uh-huh.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I gotta get there, or in a car.
Speaker:I know.
Speaker:Well, I used to get up at…
Speaker:Like, when I used to get up and ride by myself in the mornings, I could do, like,
Speaker:like 14 in, like, a quick 30, 45 minutes.
Speaker:Like, 14 miles, and I'd just…
Speaker:I used to be, like, blowing by people.
Speaker:Like, I was riding for, like, a workout, and yesterday was just, like,
Speaker:a cruisy little Saturday morning ride.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:That's nice, though.
Speaker:It's good.
Speaker:It was nice.
Speaker:Yeah, it was nice.
Speaker:How about you, Adriana?
Speaker:Um, I've just been really emotional on and off throughout the week.
Speaker:Like…
Speaker:Well, music, 'cause, you know, music always does it for me.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And, but it's been with, um…
Speaker:I guess that, I mean, that usually does it all the time for me
Speaker:anyway, like, with Colombian music.
Speaker:So, like, I was flipping through Facebook and then this page popped up
Speaker:with, like, all the old songs, right?
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:It's like…
Speaker:And so, you know, of course, that brings me back.
Speaker:Like, I get very nostalgic, right?
Speaker:'Cause I start thinking of my grandmother and my grandparents, and just when I was
Speaker:little in Colombia and, and, you know, and the dancing and just, you know,
Speaker:the songs that have always reminded me of- my grandmother or whatever
Speaker:their song was, so I would hear it and then I'm, like, bawling, you know?
Speaker:And yeah, I don't know.
Speaker:W- I just get so nostalgic with, with music.
Speaker:Um, so yeah, even last night, another thing, like, again, it
Speaker:popped up and I was like, "Ah."
Speaker:I was like, "Oh my God."
Speaker:I'm like, I am so emotional.
Speaker:I guess it must be that, um, progressed moon in Pisces again.
Speaker:It's like, whew.
Speaker:And yeah.
Speaker:Music.
Speaker:I'm like, ugh.
Speaker:And the eclipse.
Speaker:And that.
Speaker:I mean, like- That does not help.
Speaker:Well, I feel like…
Speaker:Yeah, no, and I feel like the, um…
Speaker:ever since the full moon in July, it's just, you know, hasn't stopped from there.
Speaker:Pretty much.
Speaker:So, but I mean, but other than that, I'm, I'm good, you know?
Speaker:And I'm excited to, to be doing this and doing the work behind the scenes- Yeah
Speaker:you know, for today.
Speaker:And yeah, it's all, it's all good.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Then I get to go to Kula- Well, I know the transit moon went through Scor- Scorpio
Speaker:this week, and Adrian We're just, like, having our usual chat on Tuesday, and
Speaker:then we're both crying all of a sudden.
Speaker:And I'm like, "Mm, Scorpio right now?"
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Like, just that's always for me.
Speaker:Like- Oh, the one in Scorpio gets you the most?
Speaker:Oh, it wouldn't- The most … be any other.
Speaker:The most.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So funny.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:My week's been-
Speaker:Better.
Speaker:Better than last week.
Speaker:Oh my gosh.
Speaker:Last week I felt like I really just wanted to be in bed.
Speaker:Like, the entire week I was just so- Yeah … worn out.
Speaker:Man, that, that solar eclipse was a doozy.
Speaker:Like, it really wiped me out.
Speaker:Like, I was so…
Speaker:I think it wiped out a lot of people.
Speaker:Few people I talked to, they were saying the same thing.
Speaker:They're like, "I'm exhausted.
Speaker:I don't…"
Speaker:And people, some people who, like, they don't stop for anything, that
Speaker:they're always going, going, and- Yeah … doing, doing, doing, and
Speaker:they're like, "I- I'm, I'm too tired.
Speaker:I'm not doing that.
Speaker:I'm not doing this."
Speaker:And I was like, oh, wow.
Speaker:I'm like, okay, this is really affecting people 'cause- It is … even the
Speaker:people who can't stop are stopping.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I didn't push through anything.
Speaker:Me either.
Speaker:It was just- That's good.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So it's different.
Speaker:I mean, that's great.
Speaker:It feels really good.
Speaker:But, um, yeah, I'm, I'm looking forward to getting, um, a little bit more fire
Speaker:back and a little less water maybe.
Speaker:I don't know.
Speaker:We'll, we'll see.
Speaker:You know?
Speaker:The- Yeah … the lunar eclipse is in Pisces, so.
Speaker:More water.
Speaker:One more week, hopefully, and then we can move on.
Speaker:We'll see.
Speaker:All right.
Speaker:It's another big week.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yeah, next Friday is the full moon.
Speaker:It's a big week for us.
Speaker:We're doing three…
Speaker:We're recording three episodes this week with all of this fun energy going on, so.
Speaker:You gotta strike while, while the iron is hot, right?
Speaker:Let's pour it all out there You might wanna buckle up for the next few episodes.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:We don't really know what's gonna happen.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah, we're touching on some touchy topics here, so let's go ahead and dive in.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Today we're gonna be talking about being too much.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:And I think a lot of us, uh, were taught very early how to edit ourselves.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:Soften our voices, dim our fire, be small enough to keep other people comfortable.
Speaker:I know for myself, I've been told many, many things, like too direct,
Speaker:too selfish, too distant, too much, and a thousand other things.
Speaker:Um, but I think the older that I get, the more I realize that too
Speaker:much usually just means more than someone has the capacity to hold.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Um, and today we're gonna unpack some of our stories of being told that we're
Speaker:too much, where it comes from, what it costs us to shrink, and how we're
Speaker:learning to take up our full space.
Speaker:So when I say being too much, what does that make you think of?
Speaker:I think the first thing that comes to mind for me is too emotional Mm-hmm
Speaker:Like that empath that like cries easily or gets easily like frustrated or angry.
Speaker:You know what I mean?
Speaker:Like that it's too emotional.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Those were a lot of the things that I think growing up we received
Speaker:a lot of messages about, right?
Speaker:Like, it was always like, like, "Don't cry in public," or like,
Speaker:"Don't cry at, don't cry at work.
Speaker:Don't cry at…"
Speaker:Like, there's just a lot of
Speaker:There was a lot of messaging around, like, controlling your emotions Mm or s- which
Speaker:is, like, synonymous with suppressing your emotions so that everybody else could
Speaker:feel more comfortable, 'cause crying in front of people makes them uncomfortable.
Speaker:Getting angry makes them uncomfortable, so it's like instead of learning
Speaker:how to, like, navigate our emotions, we were told to just not.
Speaker:Just don't.
Speaker:Have them.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:That's what has always made me … I don't even know if anyone has ever directly
Speaker:said to me, like, "Ooh, you're too much," in terms of- Right … like my emotions.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:But I have definitely been made to feel like my emotions were too
Speaker:much for other people to hold.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Which I get.
Speaker:They're too much for me to hold most of the time.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:Like, it's, it's a lot.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:This is so intense.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Um, I … For me, what comes up with hearing too much is, is that whenever
Speaker:I was told that I was too, you know, like too sensitive, too emotional,
Speaker:too intense, you know, um, too loud.
Speaker:I mean, that I was literally told directly like that.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:"You're too loud.
Speaker:Shh.
Speaker:You're too loud."
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:I don't have an indoor voice, so I never have.
Speaker:Um, and so I feel, like for me, the first thing that comes up is
Speaker:that something's wrong with me.
Speaker:Something was wrong with me when I think of the messaging that I
Speaker:was too much was that, um, it's something that I needed to fix.
Speaker:So I learned-
Speaker:very young that I needed to change those things about myself or
Speaker:feel shame about them, you know?
Speaker:And, and, and I was uncomfortable.
Speaker:You know, so yeah, it led to me being uncomfortable being who I was because
Speaker:it was too much for, for people.
Speaker:'Cause, you know, like you said, like, you know, don't cry in public or anything,
Speaker:or like, you know, e- going to the store.
Speaker:I mean, funny, like, my memory of being told that I'm too loud is in the
Speaker:supermarket, like I'm too loud, right?
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:And it comes down to, like, like you're embarrassing them, right?
Speaker:It's about them.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:So you have to- You're drawing attention.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:So God forbid you're too loud because what are the, what are the people gonna think?
Speaker:What are they gonna think about me and my parenting, you know?
Speaker:Of course, I didn't think of that when I was little, but, you know.
Speaker:So ridiculous.
Speaker:So yeah, so I learned to…
Speaker:I started to believe that s- there was something wrong with me.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:Yeah, I mean, too emotional definitely.
Speaker:Like and no, it wasn't you're too emotional.
Speaker:No, that wasn't…
Speaker:It was- Right … you're too sensitive.
Speaker:Hmm.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I can't remember if that was said directly.
Speaker:Or you're making a big deal out of, out of nothing- Oh, and I did … right?
Speaker:Like, it's- I absolutely did.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I was a very sensitive child.
Speaker:Like- You're overreacting.
Speaker:Oh, tons.
Speaker:I cried- Calm down.
Speaker:I am a very sensitive person.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:I, I am very sensitive.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:But as a chi- as a child, right, you have no control.
Speaker:Like, you haven't learned how to- Nope.
Speaker:Yeah … manage or regulate at any level.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:So everything was just-
Speaker:Crying.
Speaker:Crying when I was a child was my go-to emotion
Speaker:Same Yeah, me too 'Cause I didn't really get angry-
Speaker:Right … or, like, yell or- Yeah
Speaker:I just cried.
Speaker:If I was- Yes … angry, I cried.
Speaker:If I was frustrated, I cried.
Speaker:If, if I was sad, I cried.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Even now.
Speaker:I cried guilty if I was- Yes … happy.
Speaker:Everything was crying.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:I mean, but even now still I do that.
Speaker:Excuse me.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I feel like I- it's just only after the age of 12 is where the anger came
Speaker:in, and then that became my primary.
Speaker:But I think before that, I, I cried to everything.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:'Cause that frustration of you don't know how to, like, let out these
Speaker:intense feelings that you have.
Speaker:So it's just somehow you just have to, they have to come
Speaker:out somehow, so you just cry.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Whatever the feeling was, you just cry.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Which now I think, you know, I mean, they've done studies.
Speaker:Like, your tears are actually your body's way of releasing-
Speaker:Mm-hmm … those chemicals.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:So that's actually a very, very healthy thing to do.
Speaker:Um-
Speaker:It's requires some reprogramming on my part.
Speaker:So - Yeah.
Speaker:It's still, yeah.
Speaker:Um, we'll have to come back to that.
Speaker:Stories about crying.
Speaker:Um, stories I tell myself about crying anyway.
Speaker:So when you-
Speaker:feel to be made like you're too much?
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:'Cause I'm not gonna digress.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:When someone says or implies that you're too much, what do you think
Speaker:they're asking you to shrink?
Speaker:I mean, I guess, I guess it depends on the moment, right?
Speaker:I guess it depends on what is happening that they're asking you to stop doing.
Speaker:Um-
Speaker:Oh, um, I'm not sure.
Speaker:I'm not really sure how to answer that one.
Speaker:Like- I'll, I'll go first.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Something popped up for me immediately- Okay … when I thought about this.
Speaker:It was, um, 'cause it was really interesting on so many levels.
Speaker:Um, I have been told that I'm too independent- Mm … or capable
Speaker:Which I found- So that's a problem
Speaker:really interesting, right?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:How I translated that or what that meant to me intuitively, I don't
Speaker:know, is that I'm, I'm not helpless enough for them to be able to save
Speaker:me or- Oh, that's an interesting one
Speaker:'Cause it sounds like it's a good thing, right?
Speaker:Like- Yes … "Quit being so capable."
Speaker:But that's an interesting one with, with women, right?
Speaker:Because- Yeah … oh my God.
Speaker:Oh my God, I'm having, like, flashbacks from when I started
Speaker:dating again after my divorce.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:Because I feel like that's the way that men are, um- Yes … programmed- Yes
Speaker:… to, like, relate to us, and that, like, we n- we always need help with things.
Speaker:So, like, I had, I had … When I moved into my apartment after COVID, I ordered
Speaker:a bunch of furniture, but because COVID, everything was, like, backordered.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:So, like, one of the dressers I ordered didn't come for, like, six months until
Speaker:… So I had started seeing this person.
Speaker:I, like, literally went on one or two dates with this guy, and he's asking
Speaker:me if I had plans to, like, go out on another, like, 'cause he wanted
Speaker:to go out again, and I was like, "I'm putting together a dresser tonight.
Speaker:I've literally been waiting six months for this dresser."
Speaker:And he's like, "Oh, well, I can do that."
Speaker:And I was like, "I'm good," and, like, couldn't accept that I owned a drill
Speaker:and that I could assemble a piece of furniture- … on my own without help.
Speaker:Like, like, that … I don't know how to, like, explain, but as soon as you
Speaker:said that, I was like, "Oh, that's, like, the exact example," where, like, my
Speaker:independence was, was, like, threatening.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:My capability was threatening.
Speaker:But it's always threatening something for them, right?
Speaker:It's always a threat.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Whether it's something that they're capable or, or not
Speaker:capable of, I feel, right?
Speaker:Like, for me, the one thing I remember is always being-
Speaker:too, like, too emotional, too intense, too honest, too angry, you know?
Speaker:Like- Mm.
Speaker:You know, especially for my ex, right?
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Like, and he just wanted that to stop, and you know, what I, again, a- and, and
Speaker:I would, I would then, um, take that on as there's, there, I was still in that stage
Speaker:of there's something wrong with me, right?
Speaker:And what do we need to fix, and whatever.
Speaker:Um, but I realized that it was just that it was his capacity, right?
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:And so in order for him to stay comfortable, it was more about if I just
Speaker:stop, that it would keep him comfortable.
Speaker:If I could, if I just shrink myself and shrink all that about me, and
Speaker:m- and continue thinking that it's, that it's me, then, then he's, he's
Speaker:comfortable, and therefore, because I'm all those things, I'm not grateful.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:I don't see how the two correlate, but yeah.
Speaker:So it was like, just be grateful and put those things somewhere
Speaker:else, and just be happy.
Speaker:Well, I can't be happy without those things, 'cause those things are me.
Speaker:So what are you sup- like what are you supposed to be grateful for?
Speaker:That, I don't get that either Because it's, it's because, you
Speaker:know, it's, it's how men think is that it's you're complaining, right?
Speaker:You're nagging.
Speaker:That's how they look at it.
Speaker:Because in reality- Oh, yeah … you're pushing them to do something
Speaker:to make them better, right?
Speaker:And to make the relationship better.
Speaker:But because they're uncomfortable with it, right, and it's not something
Speaker:that, that they're capable of doing or they don't want to, right, because
Speaker:also society tells them that they don't have to, then, um- With emotion
Speaker:… you're the one causing the waves.
Speaker:You're the one making the waves.
Speaker:You're the one who's causing the problems.
Speaker:And so therefore, you should just be grateful that we have
Speaker:this, that, and the other.
Speaker:All material, you know, and no connection, and everything will be fine.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Be grateful that I put up with you, 'cause you're too much.
Speaker:Right, exactly.
Speaker:Oh.
Speaker:I'm really grateful right now.
Speaker:Now I'm fucking grateful.
Speaker:That I fucking left.
Speaker:Peace.
Speaker:That's right.
Speaker:That was an interesting one, 'cause I never thought of like the, the
Speaker:hyper-independence, but it, but it definitely is the being capable and being
Speaker:independent is threatening- Mm-hmm Very … to some people, and that is too much.
Speaker:Interesting.
Speaker:I had only ever thought of it from the other side of it,
Speaker:where I do- But you know what?
Speaker:And even, even when they allow you to be independent, they still- They have a
Speaker:problem with us … feel threatened by it.
Speaker:Yeah, right.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:That's what he told me after I asked for the divorce, like, "I don't understand.
Speaker:I let you go out with your friends," and blah, blah, blah.
Speaker:And I, I, I looked at him and I'm like, "Yeah, I wouldn't
Speaker:have been here otherwise."
Speaker:Let me.
Speaker:Let me.
Speaker:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker:It's not enough.
Speaker:Like, if I didn't have as much freedom as I needed, uh, there, there was no way.
Speaker:I would've left way sooner, because all that bullshit plus
Speaker:you think you're going to stop me?
Speaker:Like, you know, that's not gonna happen.
Speaker:That's a Sag.
Speaker:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:You should learn about Sagittariuses a little bit before
Speaker:you get involved with them.
Speaker:Freedom.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:But yes, this has been a theme throughout-
Speaker:my marriage, let me put it that way.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:The first time we went to c- marriage counseling many, many, many years ago, you
Speaker:know, it's like, "I want her to need me."
Speaker:I'm like, "But I don't need you."
Speaker:Wow.
Speaker:I am my own person, capable.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:I can, I can handle…
Speaker:I- I'm a, I'm a Gen X'er, people, okay?
Speaker:I've been raising myself since I was eight years old.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Don't need it.
Speaker:I go, "I want you in my life."
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:That is invaluable.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Yeah, there's a difference.
Speaker:When I need you, that's, that's toxic.
Speaker:That's a no.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:That means I'm looking outside of myself for something.
Speaker:When I want you in my life, that means- Yeah … we're both benefiting.
Speaker:It's not one-sided, icky.
Speaker:And this is, like, a healthy connection, right, yeah.
Speaker:Um- But that's what I mean about, about it being like- It's your
Speaker:programming, for sure … that it's al- it's always about, like, shrinking
Speaker:yourself for what they need, right?
Speaker:Like, so that they don't have to look at themselves.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:So you have to shrink yourself.
Speaker:You have to stop being all those things that you are so
Speaker:that you keep them comfortable.
Speaker:And then, and it's not o- I, and, and I'm not saying- Make them
Speaker:feel bigger … just the husbands.
Speaker:I mean, I'm t- talking about- Ooh.
Speaker:… anybody.
Speaker:Make them feel bigger.
Speaker:Look out.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:And a lot of times that comes also, it's about judgment, right?
Speaker:Like, people are judging you, and they wanna stop you from…
Speaker:Because, you know, they have these belief systems about how you should act,
Speaker:how you should be, especially women.
Speaker:And you know, I have someone in particular in my life who every
Speaker:time I curse, she's shushing me.
Speaker:And, you know, again, freedom.
Speaker:And I, you know, I used to get so annoyed, so finally I, I, you
Speaker:know, I had a conversation, but I'm like, like I, I don't fucking
Speaker:care what other people think.
Speaker:I don't fucking care, you know?
Speaker:If they wanna judge me because I said, "Fuck," go ahead.
Speaker:You know?
Speaker:Like, I don't ca- My mom tried for as long as she lived to try to tell
Speaker:me to stop cursing, and I never did.
Speaker:So I'm certainly not gonna listen to anybody else telling
Speaker:me to stop cursing, you know?
Speaker:And to me it's, it's if that's what you believe…
Speaker:You know, and the thing of it is I could see if, if they didn't curse.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:But they do.
Speaker:So instead- Mm … you're shrinking yourself in front of other
Speaker:people to pretend that you're this, whatever, I don't know.
Speaker:I don't know what it is that you're pretending to be, you know?
Speaker:Um, so that maybe people don't judge you.
Speaker:And you know what?
Speaker:I- if that's how you wanna live, that's okay.
Speaker:But don't put it on me, that I have to…
Speaker:I'm sitting on the beach having a conversation and I say, "Fuck,"
Speaker:and she's worried about the people around us who are saying something.
Speaker:And I'm like, "No."
Speaker:That's a projection.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Totally.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:That's a projection.
Speaker:You know, it's like, no, it's like, like if I'm gonna be j- it's my choice.
Speaker:I'm gonna speak however I want to, and I will deal with it or not or whatever.
Speaker:It doesn't…
Speaker:Like, I don't care.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:So yeah.
Speaker:Fuck 'em.
Speaker:I- Exactly.
Speaker:I think with the, like, the shrinking theme, it's, it's been for me,
Speaker:like, my whole life, I think, where I've been made to feel…
Speaker:Again, I don't know if these were ever directly the words other than
Speaker:to say, like, "too something."
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Like, I don't know if I ever heard too much directly, but
Speaker:it was too something, right?
Speaker:Like- Mm-hmm … so-
Speaker:I, I know when I was a lot younger, and, and I think we
Speaker:talked about this in perfection or people pleasing, or maybe both.
Speaker:Um, like this hypervigilance of, like, monitoring the space, like trying to
Speaker:read the room and figure out what I need to be- Yeah … to fit in here.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:You know what I mean?
Speaker:Like that- Yes … where I felt like growing up, I had these different friend
Speaker:groups, like the ones that I played sports with and the ones that- Mm-hmm
Speaker:were like my other friends.
Speaker:And then like as I got older, it was, like, my work friends and…
Speaker:But the friend groups could never all be in the same room- Mm-hmm … because I
Speaker:was a different person with each of them.
Speaker:Do you know what I mean?
Speaker:Like that sort of- Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Oh, 100% … like who do I need to be in this situation, and who
Speaker:do I need to be in this situation?
Speaker:Like, I am a chameleon.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:I'm a one-woman show.
Speaker:I can play all the roles.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:And, and I think for a long time, that was sort of like a, that was born of the
Speaker:perfectionism and the people pleasing, and that this, like, well, I can't be…
Speaker:Like, I can't talk about this with this friend group 'cause they're
Speaker:not interested in that, so I need to like shrink this part of myself.
Speaker:Or I can't, like, dance when I walk into a store because this,
Speaker:this group is embarrassed by that.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:So like, you know what I mean?
Speaker:So it was like- Yeah … put, it was kind of like just these little
Speaker:parts of myself, like, reigning them in in different situations.
Speaker:And that's not to say, like, we can't be flexible, right?
Speaker:Like, part of social intelligence is, is understanding, like, you know, like if
Speaker:I'm in a professional setting, I might need to show a little bit different-
Speaker:It is reading the room … walk around saying, "Fuck you, ." Right.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:But I was gonna say, it is reading the room, but it's not to adjust yourself.
Speaker:It's just to, you know, like, you know- Yeah … not to adjust who you are, right?
Speaker:But like you said, right, like if you're in a professional setting, right, you're
Speaker:not gonna act all wild just because you're in a professional setting.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:But you can still be yourself in a professional setting.
Speaker:You're not doing Jägerbombs and banging other people.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Um, I think I think about it differently.
Speaker:I think it was more extreme when I was younger, because I just wanted
Speaker:so badly to, like, belong, but I- Mm-hmm … but I didn't really know what
Speaker:that meant or frankly, like, who I was.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:I didn't know enough about myself to know, like, what it would look
Speaker:like if I showed up authentically.
Speaker:Um- … I think I know now, I know myself better, and I can, I can
Speaker:adapt to different situations without losing myself, if that makes sense.
Speaker:Mm-hmm, absolutely.
Speaker:Like I'm no, I'm not, like, playing a role.
Speaker:I'm just accessing different parts of myself.
Speaker:Um, in different settings, right?
Speaker:It's not, none of it's inauthentic, it's just different sides of me,
Speaker:and that's because I'm complex.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:But I, but I think the shrinking used to be much more prominent
Speaker:when, especially in like through like high school and college when all everybody
Speaker:was like concerned about was like being cool- Perception … and fitting in.
Speaker:And yeah, like that, that was insane.
Speaker:And Jesus, social media didn't even exist when- I know
Speaker:we were in high school.
Speaker:Can you fucking imagine?
Speaker:No.
Speaker:Ugh.
Speaker:Ugh.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Well, this- So- … kind of, sorry, naturally taking us into the next
Speaker:question, which is, like, what is-
Speaker:Just enough.
Speaker:Feel like where you now.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:Like, uh, that's pretty much where you were going, so I just wanted- Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah, and I think it's like the
Speaker:The many evolutions that, that have gotten me here where, I mean, we've
Speaker:talked a lot about unlearning old belief systems and, like, deconditioning
Speaker:from the way that we were raised.
Speaker:Because a lot of our conditioning was, you know, the way that we were supposed
Speaker:to be- Mm-hmm … the way that we were supposed to show up in the world.
Speaker:And so a lot…
Speaker:Through that unlearning, I think it's, it's more of that, like, I mean, I go, I
Speaker:go back to our value of sovereignty, which is, like, a word that has come up a lot
Speaker:for me in the last, like, year or two.
Speaker:It's like reclaiming myself, but I first had to figure out who she was-
Speaker:Yeah … when I started to, like, let go of all those other things.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Because I didn't even know what was mine anymore.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I also, I mean, you said at the beginning, like, being too much
Speaker:just means it's, what did you say?
Speaker:More than someone has the capacity to hold- To hold.
Speaker:Mm-hmm … um, or something like that, which is like such a, that's such a
Speaker:beautiful way to say that because like you- I've, I've heard a million times
Speaker:and tried to like stay grounded in the idea that like you won't be too much
Speaker:for the people who are right for you.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Like, when you find your people, my depths are not scary to you guys.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:We go there together, right?
Speaker:Like, but other people have had a really hard time- Yeah … going to that level
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:To use our favorite analogy, like all they have is a snorkel, and I
Speaker:need you to put on the full scuba gear and come all the way down here.
Speaker:But like, if you try and you aren't equipped for that, you can't breathe.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:That's right.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:Like, this will be too, this will be too much for you.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And that's okay.
Speaker:That just means that like-
Speaker:You're not my people, or like, "This isn't a place we can go together."
Speaker:Or you stop working.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:So I think the more I know myself, the more-
Speaker:I feel comfortable with being more authentic
Speaker:In more spaces and not like shrinking.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah, I feel like you said everything I, I would say too.
Speaker:I, I…
Speaker:for me, I, it's…
Speaker:once I got to know myself better, understand myself better, and value
Speaker:these things about myself, um, the right people came into my life who also value-
Speaker:Mm … those things about me, and I value those things about them, right?
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Instead of, you know, it be- being something wrong with me or someone else.
Speaker:Um, and instead of looking at it as that I'm too much when it comes to
Speaker:dealing with someone, is that I'm too much for that person, right?
Speaker:That it's too much- Yes … for that person.
Speaker:Not that I'm too much, that it's too much for that person.
Speaker:So I'm not gonna- Yeah … take it on.
Speaker:You know, I'm not gonna- Right … take on the responsibility of how you're
Speaker:going to take my authenticity.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:You know?
Speaker:Like, I'm not responsible for that, right?
Speaker:You have to, you know, figure that out.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Um, so yeah.
Speaker:That's, that's, for me, it's, um, valuing myself and, and, and
Speaker:having people that value that too, and that I can go there with.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:Even though, you know, I have to admit that it's still a work in progress, right?
Speaker:It's nowhere like, oh, hey, yeah, you know, I got rid of, like, that whole
Speaker:thing that's been ingrained in me my wh- my whole life, right, for decades.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Flipped that switch, now it's over.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:No.
Speaker:Ah.
Speaker:There are still times where I'm like, "Ooh," you know?
Speaker:Like, is this too much?
Speaker:But then, you know, but I…
Speaker:the self-awareness, right, keeps, you know, helps me
Speaker:to be like, okay, no, right?
Speaker:The, the, that's the old thinking.
Speaker:That's the old conditioning.
Speaker:And now, I mean, not that I wasn't direct before or honest or emotional or…
Speaker:right?
Speaker:I still was, but now, um, there's less fear to be those things.
Speaker:Where before it was, you know, there was fear there because of
Speaker:the messages that I was given.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:So now it's more like, well, this is me.
Speaker:Take it or leave it.
Speaker:You can't handle the Adriana It- nah, exactly.
Speaker:Too fucking hot for you.
Speaker:Well, what's that, what's that quote of like, that al- other, also that other
Speaker:quote, like, "You can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Like- Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:I don't know who we need to credit that to, but like- Yeah … I also think in
Speaker:terms of, like, too much, the thing, the thing that makes me feel like too
Speaker:much now is when I'm not at my best, and I know that that's difficult to,
Speaker:like, work with, you know what I mean?
Speaker:And then, then that, like, fear creeps back in- Mm-hmm … of like,
Speaker:like, uh-oh, is this gonna be…
Speaker:is this, am I gonna stop hearing from this person?
Speaker:Am I gonna stop, you know, like, 'cause it's, it's that fear of rejection again.
Speaker:Which again- Yeah … I know we talked about that- Totally … in, like,
Speaker:in perfectionism and people-pleasing and probably a lot of other
Speaker:episodes- … so far, because it's a recurring theme in our lives.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:But it's the, I'm always afraid that when I'm not at my best
Speaker:now, because I've, because…
Speaker:And maybe it's just that, like, because I've worked so hard and I
Speaker:know that there's always more work to do, 'cause, like, we do not in
Speaker:fact flip a switch, unfortunately.
Speaker:Um, there's always gonna be more work to do.
Speaker:We're always gonna feel like we're doing a bit of a cha-cha
Speaker:in- Yeah … healing, right?
Speaker:Like, but, but my fear then is the fear of rejection or the fear of, like, whatever's
Speaker:gonna happen if I'm not at my best.
Speaker:Which, ooh, that just links right back to the perfectionism episode.
Speaker:Because it's like, now that I've set this bar for myself,
Speaker:if I don't show up that way all the time- I'm gonna beat you with that bar.
Speaker:Yeah, I know.
Speaker:Just please, please do.
Speaker:Maybe I'll learn something.
Speaker:Um, but if I don't, like, show up in this way or, like, you know, live up
Speaker:to this, then I'm gonna go back to that place of, like, too much or too,
Speaker:you know, whatever, too something.
Speaker:And that's, that's hard for me to reconcile even now, right?
Speaker:It's on those days where I know I'm not at my best and I feel like, "Oh,
Speaker:this is gonna be the time where someone says, 'You're being too emotional.
Speaker:You're being too dramatic.
Speaker:You're being too this.
Speaker:You're being too that.'"
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:For you.
Speaker:Yeah, right.
Speaker:That's a really good point though, 'cause I definitely…
Speaker:That is something I try to remind myself of
Speaker:when I feel too much something, whatever that may be,
Speaker:is I pause and take stock.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:Am I tired?
Speaker:Am I hungry?
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:It's like those old commercials.
Speaker:That's like my step one now.
Speaker:"Do you need a Snickers?"
Speaker:I know this is really…
Speaker:It might sound silly or obvious
Speaker:But something I never, ever used to do.
Speaker:It was all just react, react, react.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And I found that really helpful, and it's allowed me to give myself so much more
Speaker:grace and be like, "Oh, nope, I only got, like, three hours of sleep last night."
Speaker:I'm very bitchy when I'm tired.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Like really, really bitchy.
Speaker:Okay?
Speaker:Yeah, same, same.
Speaker:I, I know that about myself.
Speaker:So it's like, oh, okay, now I'm aware.
Speaker:Oh yeah, you're really tired today, so we need to either take a step back or just
Speaker:Not engage as much as we might normally, if that makes sense.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Like- It does.
Speaker:Um- Same, same goes for me when I'm tired.
Speaker:I'm like a whole other human being.
Speaker:It's like I have split personalities.
Speaker:Like, I'm…
Speaker:Yeah, when people always ask me, "Are you having more kids?"
Speaker:I'm like, "I haven't slept in three years.
Speaker:You want me to bring a baby into this?
Speaker:Hell, no."
Speaker:Um, no.
Speaker:That's the, that's like the number one reason of why I didn't wanna have more.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I remember how tired I was- Oh, shit, me too … when I was pregnant.
Speaker:I need to sleep.
Speaker:I fell asleep at my desk, at work.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:On the phone.
Speaker:Like, no, we're not bringing a- another baby into this, no.
Speaker:Anyway, um, I, I really love that you guys, you know, brought up the, um…
Speaker:We're not perfect.
Speaker:Uh, no, this is still very real struggle.
Speaker:I still, even with you guys, like I'll be like, "Ugh."
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:"Did what I say land wrong?"
Speaker:Like, I've come back later and I've said stuff- Oh, my gosh, the
Speaker:numbers … and, and like- Yeah, yeah … "Well, when I said that, did you…"
Speaker:And you're like, "Uh, never even gave it another thought."
Speaker:And I'm like, "Okay."
Speaker:So, um, I think part of what I'm saying is when you find your people
Speaker:or you're testing, like testing new ground with people, is practice, right?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Just do the things, and then get feedback.
Speaker:Like- And you've done that at least a few times with me.
Speaker:I remember- Well- … specifically the one time I was leaving Adriana's house
Speaker:and you called me, and you started off the conversation with, "The story I'm
Speaker:telling myself," and I was like, "Huh."
Speaker:"I, I don't know.
Speaker:I don't…
Speaker:Nope.
Speaker:Like, I can assure you that was not a thought in my head."
Speaker:So we're cool.
Speaker:Didn't even cross my mind.
Speaker:Exactly, yeah.
Speaker:It's so funny.
Speaker:But it is, I mean, bec- this stuff is so ingrained in you, right?
Speaker:Like, because- Yeah.
Speaker:Oh, yeah … because even if you're not directly told, like we said earlier,
Speaker:like even if you're not directly told you're too much of whatever- Yes
Speaker:it is.
Speaker:There's messaging in other ways.
Speaker:Even when someone just, the sh, that's a huge fucking message, right?
Speaker:You don't even fucking use words.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Um, and so it's hard.
Speaker:And also, not, not als- also because it's still out there, right?
Speaker:Like, that messaging is still out there.
Speaker:Everywhere.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And so even subconsciously you're still even taking it in, so it's, it
Speaker:is, it's difficult to un- undo that.
Speaker:And I also think that, you know, having the awareness to know that- You're not
Speaker:too much, it's just, it's just too much for certain people, is to remember that
Speaker:when you feel that way or someone makes you feel that way, that
Speaker:they're not for you, right?
Speaker:Don't fucking adjust yourself.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:You know?
Speaker:It's like now you know and, and, and then now you have the
Speaker:awareness to say, "Oh, okay.
Speaker:This person's, whatever they're doing or saying is making me feel how I used
Speaker:to feel or how my mom made me feel," d- whatever it was- Mm-hmm … that
Speaker:made you feel and be like, "This is not someone who can accept me as
Speaker:who I am, so they're not for me."
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:And that's okay.
Speaker:You know, we don't have to, we don't longer have to adjust ourselves to
Speaker:keep a friend, to keep y- y- Mm-hmm
Speaker:family, whatever it is.
Speaker:You don't have to.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Well, and I think what happens in those scenarios with us, at least I think what
Speaker:happens, I hope I show it this way for you guys, but it's always met with curiosity.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:And not like, "Don't be ridiculous."
Speaker:Like- Right … not like a, not like a judgmental statement.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:But, but I think that, I, correct me if I'm wrong, but my, I think my reaction to
Speaker:that phone call was, was there something that I did that made you feel that way or
Speaker:like that brought that up specifically?
Speaker:Because I wanna know that, right?
Speaker:Like if that's a- Mm … if that's like a trigger for you or a soft
Speaker:spot for you, like even just showing up with curiosity and being, like
Speaker:asking the questions of like- Yeah
Speaker:did I- No, it wasn't … did I make you feel that way?
Speaker:It was literally the story in my head because in the past when I did stuff-
Speaker:Yeah … this is what the result was.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:And that's one thing I wanna r- uh, say too that I think I forgot to mention
Speaker:earlier is like modifying my behavior to fit into the things that other people,
Speaker:that I thought other people wanted me to be, never worked out anyway.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Oh my God, yes.
Speaker:So- Right … if I'm gonna lose people- Never … at least-
Speaker:Right … I can still have myself- Right … when I, when I have that loss.
Speaker:Whereas before, I lost them and myself.
Speaker:Oh.
Speaker:I had nothing.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I lost them and myself.
Speaker:Oh my God.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And y- and exactly because I don't even know if I could tell you the
Speaker:names of half of those people that I used to try to like contort myself- Mm
Speaker:to fit in with.
Speaker:Do you know what I mean?
Speaker:Like- Yeah.
Speaker:I don't even, I don't even remember half of them.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So yeah, that, that definitely didn't work out for me, did it?
Speaker:Nope.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And you know, one thing that just popped up for me too is-
Speaker:that I, I, I wanna bring up is, like, there is grief in this also, right?
Speaker:And, like, the realization- Yes
Speaker:of how you fucking gave your power away, right?
Speaker:Like, 'cause it- Mm … essentially you are giving your power away, right?
Speaker:Like, 'cause you're saying, "Oh," right?
Speaker:Like, uh, you know, "This is not good enough for you-" Yeah … "so
Speaker:I, I need to change this about myself," shrink, whatever.
Speaker:And then when you realize all that you did for so long, you're
Speaker:just like, "Holy shit," you know?
Speaker:Because in the moment you don't realize you're doing that, right?
Speaker:Because of the story we're telling ourselves, right?
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:And, and then when you realize that, you know, how many times
Speaker:you swallowed something, right?
Speaker:Uh-huh.
Speaker:Or, um, you know, how, how, you know, you apologize, um, for something or you,
Speaker:you know, like, you s- For everything.
Speaker:Yeah, or you silence yourself, right?
Speaker:Um…
Speaker:I, I don't still do that.
Speaker:All the time.
Speaker:Right, and it…
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:But it's like-
Speaker:I mean, at least you, you're a little, you're aware more of it now, right?
Speaker:Like, as you do it, you're like, "Oh, wait, I just did that," right?
Speaker:But like not knowing and then coming to the realization that that's what
Speaker:you used to do to make other people happy, and like we just said before, and
Speaker:you're still in a lose-lose situation.
Speaker:You still fucking got nothing, right?
Speaker:Worse than.
Speaker:Even though you contorted yourself.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:You swallowed, you kept every, you held everything in, and that's that, too.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:There's sadness- Worse … behind that, too.
Speaker:And so I, what I feel like now, because we've talked about this a
Speaker:lot before, too, and we talked about this when we did Untamed- Mm-hmm
Speaker:the book club, of there's that part in the book that says, like,
Speaker:"I will no longer stay in any room or any relationship or…"
Speaker:I, I'm paraphrasing 'cause I don't remember the exact quote.
Speaker:Like, that requires me to abandon myself.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Um, and so I think the thing that feels like too much for some people now goes
Speaker:back to what we were talking about before, is the independence or the confidence.
Speaker:Like, once you come to this place of, like, sovereignty and self-trust-
Speaker:Mm-hmm … and that gives you confidence, and you feel like you're standing on
Speaker:solid ground within yourself- Mm-hmm … damn is that triggering for other
Speaker:people, especially other- Oh, my God.
Speaker:Yeah … especially other women who are not there yet.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:And so when you show up in a room and carry yourself differently
Speaker:with confidence, when you speak with confidence, when you can hold
Speaker:people accountable, when you, you know, call people out on things
Speaker:that are, like, not- Know yourself.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:When you just know yourself.
Speaker:But when you, like, and I think when you know yourself and when you know things
Speaker:are, like, out of alignment with your values and you either set boundaries
Speaker:or hold people accountable to it- Mm
Speaker:holy shit- Yeah … is that triggering for people.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:But my, like, that, that now is the thing that I'm working on.
Speaker:It's like, okay, I need to just be okay with the fact that I can't
Speaker:manage everyone's emotions and I can't control their reactions.
Speaker:That's, like you said earlier, Age, it's like that's their thing, right?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:That's their work.
Speaker:I can't do it for them.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:All I can do is be true to myself in this situation and do what I feel is
Speaker:right for me or whatever, but that level of confidence is so triggering to
Speaker:insecure people or people who have not yet figured out, you know, who they are-
Speaker:Yeah … or how to trust themselves.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:They don't like it.
Speaker:But I, I, in those situations is I feel like, I feel like that's the time to sort
Speaker:of double down because- If I leave nothing else in that room, it's hopefully a
Speaker:signal that it's okay for you to do this.
Speaker:It's okay for you to, like, know yourself and trust yourself and, like- Yeah.
Speaker:Be an example.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:So that's one of those moments for me that has become now of, like, the, the torch.
Speaker:Like- Mm-hmm … that used to trigger the shit out of me, too.
Speaker:People who were so confident.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:All of this…
Speaker:Almost this entire conversation has reminded me of the why we
Speaker:wouldn't have been friends.
Speaker:Right, exactly.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I was just gonna say that, yes.
Speaker:This is all of that.
Speaker:Totally.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Like, all the things that we talked about with each other were the too-much things.
Speaker:Like- Yeah.
Speaker:Right, 'cause when you don't know yourself, you really are just insecure.
Speaker:You're an insecure person.
Speaker:Well, yeah.
Speaker:You're an insecure person 'cause you have no idea who you are.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I've been there.
Speaker:I was there most of my life.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Because I didn't know who I was.
Speaker:Absolutely.
Speaker:And that, I mean, that's all connected, the perfectionism,
Speaker:the rejection sensitivity.
Speaker:People pleasing.
Speaker:All those things are connected.
Speaker:When you don't know- Yeah … who you are, and you don't know what you value or, or,
Speaker:like, your purpose, like, why you're, why you're here or what you're doing- Right
Speaker:then what is it, like, you- And it changes with every person that you're…
Speaker:Yeah … you can't trust yourself.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:When you have to, like, put on a different costume every day, like,
Speaker:then yeah, you can't trust yourself.
Speaker:You can't, like- Right … stand in your own sovereignty.
Speaker:And it's…
Speaker:So I think for me, I, I used to receive those messages a lot.
Speaker:The messages I receive now are, are that I'm too much for different reasons,
Speaker:but they're reasons that I'm okay with.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:This is why people are so exhausted.
Speaker:Like, they're so exhausted for decades and decades of, like you said, putting
Speaker:on the different fucking costume.
Speaker:It fucking gets tiring.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Who the fuck wants a costume change all the fucking time?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:So tiring.
Speaker:You said every day.
Speaker:It was, to me, it was more like every- You know, which, which one do I put on today?
Speaker:… hours.
Speaker:I don't,
Speaker:I don't know, right?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Like, the, the, the anxiety that comes with that.
Speaker:Who's in my vicinity right now?
Speaker:'Cause I need to ad- modify me.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:Not my behavior, me.
Speaker:Me.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:Why are people sick?
Speaker:That's the difference.
Speaker:That's the key thing I think we're talking about here, right?
Speaker:Like, you can modify your behavior for the environment.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:That's when I'm at work, of course, I act more professionally.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:I cannot be my full authentic self at work.
Speaker:I can be a smaller authentic version of myself because I cannot walk
Speaker:around dropping fuck bombs all day.
Speaker:Which I absolutely fucking would, 'cause I cuss like a sailor.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:That's modifying my behavior, not who I am.
Speaker:I am still- Right.
Speaker:The F-bomb dropper Yes.
Speaker:Oh, that's- I have a- That's the distinction … boomer.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Big, huge.
Speaker:With F-bomb.
Speaker:That's the distinction.
Speaker:Take, take your F-bomb.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:That's what I was trying to articulate and couldn't get out earlier- Yes … I
Speaker:feel like in a, in a concise way.
Speaker:But of like, if I'm adapting to different situations, it's not
Speaker:because I'm being inauthentic.
Speaker:It's- Correct … I'm moder- I'm modifying a behavior, but-
Speaker:Right … I'm not, I still am who I am.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:Like, I'm still showing up as myself.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:It's just a, a version of myself in that moment.
Speaker:Yes.
Speaker:But it's not inauthentic now the way that it used to be when I used to
Speaker:do that, because it used- Correct
Speaker:to be that
Speaker:I could have made millions in the Cirque du Soleil for my contortionist abilities.
Speaker:You know what I mean?
Speaker:And you know, there's another thing of like, that I wanna address because I feel
Speaker:like people talk about a lot, like when they tell you that you're intimidating.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:And, um- Thank you … well, but you know, here's the thing, how I feel about that.
Speaker:I used to think that.
Speaker:I used to think like, "Oh good, you're intimidated.
Speaker:Good, so don't fuck with me," right?
Speaker:Um, but the thing is, is I'm not fucking intimidated.
Speaker:I'm not, I'm not intimidating.
Speaker:You're intimidated.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Right?
Speaker:Or you being intimidated.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:There's a fucking difference.
Speaker:Like, I can take, I, I'll take responsibility if I'm trying to
Speaker:intimidate you, but the times when I've been told that I'm intimidating,
Speaker:I wasn't being intimidating, right?
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:They were just intimidated by me, right?
Speaker:Oh, that's beautiful.
Speaker:Because of whatever they felt about me, you know?
Speaker:Your problem, not mine.
Speaker:Yep.
Speaker:Don't put it on me.
Speaker:100%.
Speaker:You know?
Speaker:And I feel like people just make that distinction, right?
Speaker:Like, when someone tells you that you're intimidating, are you being
Speaker:intimidating or are they just intimidated?
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:There's a fucking difference.
Speaker:Well, again- Especially with women … by the confidence, by the
Speaker:security- Yeah … by the self-trust.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:That, that's what's intimidating- Yeah … to insecure people.
Speaker:I love that, Ques.
Speaker:I love that reframe.
Speaker:Mm-hmm.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:'Cause I, I really did, I used to look, I used to look at it
Speaker:the same way when I was younger.
Speaker:I was like, "Oh, he finds me intimidating," or, because
Speaker:I've been told that many times.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:You know?
Speaker:And I used to be like, "Oh, I gu- I guess I'm intimidating, right?
Speaker:Whatever."
Speaker:It's like- Then I realized like, wait a minute, I'm not fucking intimidating you.
Speaker:You're intimidated.
Speaker:Big difference.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:If I'm not doing anything to, to intimidate you, right?
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:And even if you were, unless they buy into that- Right,
Speaker:right … they won't be intimidated.
Speaker:Correct.
Speaker:Exactly.
Speaker:Right, exactly.
Speaker:It's totally…
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:That, I love that reframe, and that's a great, like, I would say depending
Speaker:on your relationship, I would ask that.
Speaker:If somebody said that to me, I would be like, "Am I intimidating
Speaker:or are you intimidated by me?"
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:'Cause those are two different things, yeah.
Speaker:Well- Obviously, being coach-y about it, but- I mean- Yeah.
Speaker:Oh, but this was mostly men that would tell me this when I was out.
Speaker:They would tell me, "You're intimidating."
Speaker:I'm like- Girl, I hear that all the time … "Uh, okay."
Speaker:Like- You know?
Speaker:Like, "What, what do you want me to do with that?"
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:"What am I supposed to do with that?"
Speaker:Again, what are you mad about?
Speaker:Right.
Speaker:Good for you.
Speaker:Are you mad that, are you mad that I'm confident?
Speaker:Are you mad that I don't need you?
Speaker:Ri- right, exactly.
Speaker:Are you mad…
Speaker:Like, what are you mad about?
Speaker:Sounds like you might be too weak to be in my circle, so.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Keep on, keep walking.
Speaker:Bye.
Speaker:All right, any last thoughts?
Speaker:No, that was my last thought, 'cause it just popped in my head and, you know.
Speaker:It was brilliant.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:You, there was a couple mic drops from you today, so.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Awesome conversation as always.
Speaker:Yeah
Speaker:I don't know what else to say.
Speaker:It's much Good.
Speaker:Okay.
Speaker:Well, then- Then be, g- be too much.
Speaker:Be yourself … a- as we- Fuck that … yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Be yourself.
Speaker:Modify your behavior as appropriate.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:I'm not telling you to go get arrested, okay?
Speaker:Don't modify who you are.
Speaker:That is not.
Speaker:You're too much.
Speaker:You're too much.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:All right, so I will just say as we wrap up today,
Speaker:everyone, your depth, your honesty, and your fire were never the problem
Speaker:because you won't be too much for the people, spaces, and truths meant for you.
Speaker:Yeah.
Speaker:Shrinking has a cost.
Speaker:Honesty has a cost too, but only one of them lets you fully live in your own skin.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:Stop apologizing for the volume of your own soul.
Speaker:As you move through your week, notice where you're tempted to
Speaker:quiet your voice or dim your light.
Speaker:What would happen if you just let yourself exist fully without editing?
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:We'd love to hear how all of this landed for you.
Speaker:Thank you.
Speaker:Mm.
Speaker:Yeah, I love that.
Speaker:Thank you.
Speaker:Thank you, and bye, guys.
Speaker:Love you.
